Are we at War with our Wardrobe ?
When Our Clothes Fight Back !
Recently a fellow hubber, Stan Fletcher, challenged us to come up with an interesting Hub from a selection of offbeat suggestions of his own devising. From his interesting list I just had to zero in on this one: “Tips for Removing Your Underwear From Your Crack in Public.” Why; I have no idea other than it appealed to my silly sense of humour and captured my imagination.
Trouble is when you have a vivid imagination and too much free time on your hands you start to consider potentially related conundrums such as this; ‘Is having underwear that acts like a hibernating squirrel or a heat seeking missile in public the worst thing that can ever happen to you ?’
So if you think about it for a moment, then like me you may reach the conclusion that in truth, it really isn’t that drastic is it ?
OK it may make you squirm a little and possibly bring a few tears to your eyes. However, unless you deliberately draw attention to the problem with some over enthusiastic attempts to get your knickers back to actually covering your butt, instead of being up it, then the issue can remain a secret and a timely reminder not to buy your underwear in bulk from that ‘Good Value Basket’ close to the check out.
A casual trawl across the Internet is all it takes to discover that it’s not only our Knickers that are out to get us it’s our whole bloody wardrobe ! Thanks Stan, you may have inadvertently invented a whole new phobia for us to worry about. Until you brought up the subject of H.B.S. I, and I suspect many of us, were blissfully unaware of the syndrome of T.W.M. or Total Wardrobe Malfunction.
Usually as a guy the worst malfunction is a zip failure, which can be due to a senior moment during dressing or a memory lapse after a potty break. Which brings to mind a ‘Polite Notice’ in a posh hotel I visited in my youth that said in loud print; “Please Adjust your Dress before leaving the toilet area.” I distinctly remember feeling a tad uncomfortable until I got out of the room because I thought I may have inadvertently entered the Ladies by mistake! Not considering the word DRESS as a genderless collective noun until much later in life.
Of course just thinking about zips down there will bring the odd tear to the eye of most men in what is undoubtedly the worst attack any article of clothing can perform upon the hapless male in a hurry. The combination of gaping fly Boxer shorts and a hastily raised zip..... I’ll say no more ! (Memories of boy’s bicycles, crossbars and missing the gear change maybe in the past but are still fresh.)
However, to stop this digression down memory lane I move quickly on to the most common male wardrobe malfunction which hardly rates a mention other than as a request to garment designers to PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT !!!!! Sorry didn’t mean to shout, but there is little in this world that can ruin your appetite on the way to lunch than the appalling site of the full Moon effect of Builder’s Butt with enough crack showing that you could park the afore mentioned bike in it.
Naturally, the same affliction can and does befall women, bending over prams, pushchairs or low supermarket shelves. Strangely though that doesn’t seem to raise my bile quite so violently, instead of images of where to park my bike I get mental images of wanting to place a long stemmed flower there. Not completely sure as to the overall reaction such an act would cause but it has to be worth the risk one day.
At least the vast majority of us can be thankful and console ourselves with the almost certain knowledge that we do not live in the limelight glare of celebrity with the prowling paparazzi ever present to photograph our more embarrassing moments.
But I suppose the old adage of, ‘there’s no such thing as bad publicity’ must hold true in the celebrity world if the amount of malfunctioning wardrobe photographs is anything to go on.
Let’s face it, ever since Marilyn Munroe stood over that grating with an updraft of air the scene has been set for female celebrities to try to outdo one another on the red carpet and beyond, sometimes creating many of the best Oops moments in the history of voyeurism.
For girls I guess the equivalent of the gaping zipper is the skirt caught in the back of the knickers, potentially much less painful but none the less excruciatingly embarrassing when a total stranger, (always another female), points out that you have a crocodile of leering goons following you !
I imagine windy days can cause ladies more than a few anxious moments and here I am referring to the Beaufort scale rather than last night’s Chilli Con Carne or hubbies homemade curry, it must require the reflexes of a cat to decide what to do when a force ten gust takes a sudden detour up your skirt. Or kilt for that matter, no sexual discrimination here, let’s not forget our Scottish friends, although I could venture to suggest wearing a sporran both back and front might work !
However the absolute Horror of Horrors has to be Flash Photography, why it’s the next best thing to having Superman’s X-Ray vision and I can’t believe all the Oops pictures we see are anything but deliberate. I mean let’s face it what the hell’s the point of spending all that money on perfecting the bits we’re not supposed to see if you are not going to let people see them, right ? So just in case you spent your vacation on another planet and missed them the first time round I have recycled a few of them for your enjoyment.
I have to admit that I struggled long and hard as to whether I should include the humble T Shirt as a culprit in the list of malfunctioning garments and decided that its inclusion is indeed necessary for completeness. My reasoning is this, as a former item of underwear it has in modern times been raised to that of outer garment status, a function for which, it has to be said, it is barely adequate. It seems to be reasonably functional as some sort of mobile advertising platform, vaguely reminiscent of the ‘Sandwich board man’ of old. However its total lack of water proofing leaves much to be desired in wet weather. (See pictorial evidence on the right).
So there you have it proof, if proof was needed; it’s War! Our clothes are conspiring against us and their W.M.D. are public embarrassment and humiliation by the stealthy use of zips that won’t stay up, catastrophic knicker elastic failure, poppers and stitching that let go at the wrong time, pinging buttons and when all else fails they will go completely transparent.
Please feel free to add your own horror stories to the list, let’s see how far the contagion has spread.
This is What Started it all !
- Tips for Removing Your Underwear From Your Crack in Public.
http://hubpages.com/profile/Stan+Fletcher http://hubpages.com/hub/Killer-Ideas-for-Your-Next-Hub I must admit that its been a long dry spell of late, being busy in so many different...
Comments
Oh Sun Pen.... Do tell you mustn't leave us in suspense like this !
A very hilarious post. You are a bad boy Merlin, but bad in a good funny way.
Im not telling either..I would be mortified to let anyone even guess at my misdemeanor .....
Hi Jimmy,
Thanks for stopping by, My next one will be a little more serious I promise.
Loveslove,
Funny, I never took you for the shrinking Violet type, but of course as you used the word misdemeanour I would guess whatever you did was deliberate !
Could it be worse than me Mooning at a close friend only to discover that his Mother had entered the room ?
Well...ok for the purpose of this HUB I will reveal all..
I once went out with nothing else on but a very flimsy summer dress and a pair of shoes....it felt great to know that I was naked beneath the dress and my date didnt know till we got home !!!
Hi Loveslove, they say confession is good for the soul ! Sounds like a great turn on, although better if he had known I think, a secret shared.... Can you imagine the sense of anticipation you would have created ?
Glad you didn't suffer any clothing malfunctions on that day... or did you ????
Not at the time ..but I did when we got back to his flat !!
Good one, but Merlin, the deadline for Stan's contest was the 15th of November. At least I don't have to worry about you getting first place for this one!
Hi Austinstar,
It was only the last one that I wrote for Stan's competition....
This one is on the house ! Perhaps I should call it Son of H.B.S. but it is Stan's fault that it was on my mind and just had to write it down.
Merlin,
I have the solution. I am the proud owner of a utilikilt. No underwear problems...ever. If you are concerned about inappropriate breezes it has a couple of snap fasteners.
Freedom is a beautiful thing.
Chris
TWM, this will be useful for describing teenagers dress sense. Have you seen how many they have?!! The jeans halfway down their butts, the girls with their too tight shorts and crop tops with boobs hanging out? Wayyyy too many tatts and piercings.
We're going on a road trip these Xmas holidays, might make the TWM a spotting game for the ride.
Thanks for the extra freebie hub Merlin.
I love freebies!
Hi Chris,
A "Utilikilt," the mind boggles, you just gotta give us a couple of pictures !
In response to youe 'Freedom is a beautiful thing...'
Have you heard the Scotsman's reply to the question asked by an old lady...
"Excuse me young man, can you tell me is anything worn under the kilt ?"
"No Mam ! You'll find everything in perfect working order ...."
Hi MPG,
Great idea certainly an improvement on "I-Spy with my little Eye," which after four hours driving across a desert can get a tad wearing. Who knows. maybe it was me that invented 'Friendly Fire!'
Don't forget to include penguin spotting for extra points.... This is where the crutch of the trousers/jeans appears to be sinking towards the knees causing the wearer to look and walk like a penguin.
Hey there Austinstar,
Thought you knew all my Hubs are Freebies....Wanna look at my total earnings here on Hubpages ?
In truth the only thing I'm trying to sell on here is me, 'One careful owner from new...!' and of course my Murder Mystery books which for some reason seem to be having the same success as the Titanic !
Maybe if I charged for my Hubs and gave the books away I might stave off starvation...
What do you think ?
Merlin....you are scraping the barrel with the jokes mind..I heard that when I was at school !!
Can you please tell me the answer to this question .. Hubby is having to wear a kilt for our sons wedding and just wonders what IF ANTHING is actually worn underneath !!
The biggest problem us ladies have is fashion either to long,short low cut or thin but hey lets not stop the fun and to answer loveslove question about the kilt now a true scotsman :)........He never wears anyting under his kilt only the english would ok.
Thanks Stargazer...I will bear ( BARE ) that in mind
Hi Loveslove,
I can’t tell any of my really, really good jokes on here for fear of upsetting anyone who hasn’t a sense of humour or doesn’t truly understand mine. Over the years I have been accused of being practically every kind of’ ...IST’ going, from Racist, Fascist, Atheist, Chauvinist, Sexist....you name it, all because of my sense of humour or laughing when I should be going Tut Tut ! So I tend to stick to the tried and tested jokes on here just to be safe....
As for your question, I think it’s one of those Macho Male things although there is rumour that kilt wearing Scottish Regiments have a tradition of not wearing anything under the kilt, as the picture above clearly demonstrates.
I have on occasions worn a kilt and depending upon the venue and the season I have been persuaded to abide by the tradition although a certain Government Health Warning should apply. Many women seem to have their own traditions concerning men wearing kilts, it is my experience that they just have to ask the question and of course the standard answer applies, as per the joke.
Of course where alcohol is freely available there are many requests to prove it which gives the kilt wearer two options, a full on public flash, or a more discreet invitation to find out for themselves, which I have to add doesn’t seem to be an off-turning suggestion.
Why the need for a Health Warning.....? Well more of a request really, “Please warm your bloody hands first !” Having a total stranger, who has for the past hour or so been clutching a glass containing an alcoholic beverage complete with ice cubes suddenly thrusting her hand up your kilt is one hell of a shock to the system!
I hope this helps you or your husband reach a decision, a lack of underwear is merely a tradition it is not compulsory, of course depending upon your own sense of humour you may wish to, or not, warn your husband or talk him into one or the other. It definitely acts as a turn on for ladies who seem to look for clues on the very shiny shoes also worn on these occasions and will treat your husband to what you may consider to be an unhealthy amount of female attention.
Of course if you are anything like my Ex wife, the thought of me being naked under a kilt just give her a fit of the giggles !!!!
Hi Stargazer,
You're right please don't stop the fun... I'm not complaining merely writing about my observations as a full blooded macho male I like Short.. See through... Low Cut... thin and clinging.... As long as what's inside is worth looking at in the first place.
If it makes you go "BLAH !" With an urge to tell the wearer to listen to the answer when she asks "does this make my ass look big..." then a return to the fashion drawingboard is most definately on the cards.
Thanks Merlin...I have passed on the info given to me and I think hubby will be an Englishman on this occasion !! I wouldnt mind him having as you put it.. unhealthy attention from the women ...I may be a bit naughty and tell some of my friends that he has decided to be a Scotsman for the day and see what happens !! lol You will have gathered that like you I have a wicked sense of humour .
Another hilarious post and one many of us can relate to at some point in our lives. I am sure I have had a few wardrobe malfunctions in my youth.
Hi Christine,
I think our malfunctions were just that, today they seem to be a little bit regular especially if there's a photographer about....
I do agree with you merlin.As long as whats inside is worth looking at in the first place because the mount of people I see and that expression does my ass look big in this does come to mind at lot.Also I glad that help you out Loveslove on the matter of kilt what not to wear or wear.:) lol
We may as well go back to Roman times or go with leaves or animal hides. They would probably do a better job. I love the kilt inclusion.
Hi Janette,
Takes quite a figure to look good in Fig leaves....
Make your H.B. go vegetarian !!!
Can I look forward to the pictures...?
Very funny as usual...When my nephew was in the first grade, his class was all outside walking somewhere with their teacher in a high wind. I know this particular teacher, as she was teaching first grade when I was in first grade. Anyway, a gust blew her skirt up, and my nephew, without missing a beat said, "Well, looks like we're gonna' see some hiney today!" He's 20 now, but we still laugh about it.
Hi Stan,
One has just got to love street corners and gusty winds, almost as nice as dark doorways and strong sunshine, What !
You should thank you lucky stars it wasn't my first grade teacher... You know that cute American expression "Haul Ass ?" Well... in her case she would have to go round twice !
Funny hub sexy pics inside,thanks.
Great and funny info. Love it, this is the truth we're not allowed to admit so publicly. Thumb's up for your bravery. Well done.
Thanks bizwin, I felt somebody should tell the story...
it definately needed telling !
Sun Pen 50 18 months ago
Great, But I am shy to tell what happened to me.